Whores

TIM GUNN | YOU BETTER WORK!

-NYT's Eric Wilson has a brief profile on Project Runway's lovable voice-of-reason, Tim Gunn.  Gunn, who will be returning for another season of Runway (thank jebus!), stepped down from his post as Chairman of the Fashion Department at Parsons (where he worked for 24 years!) last month to take on the role of Chief Creative Officer for Liz Claiborne, Inc.  Yeesh - good luck to him!  Bravo is also working on a spinoff show for him called Tim Gunn's Guide to Style.  Despite all his success, Gunn remains humble, stating, "I couldn't be any more single."  Awww!  Though, he could probably get some hot shower action in the gym at London Terrace where he just got his first "grown-up apartment."  Full article here.

-Drew Barrymore is the new print and television face for Cover Girl.  "How do I honor the tradition of Cover Girl and still bring myself?" Barrymore reportedly asked herself.  How do you mean, Drew?  How will you represent a cheap, drugstore brand that survives solely on its sales of Great Lash mascara, and still be your bubbly, pseudo-literate, annoying self?  Hm, that's a real pickle.  She also says, "I love being involved creatively in everything I do. I am not passive...  Whether I am filming a documentary or working on a makeup campaign or producing movies, it is all a venue for me to express my creativity."  Yeah, she makes this abundantly clear in the quality crap she produces like Charlie's Angels and Music and Lyrics.  I shudder to think how badly she and Jessica Lange will butcher the roles of Little and Big Edie in their screen version of Grey Gardens.  Read more here.

GOLDEN GLOBES | YEAR OF THE FUG

Last night's Golden Globes broadcast was such a bore!  Thank god for Sacha Baren Cohen's acceptance speech!  Tom Shanks and Warren Crypt-keeper Beatty could learn a thing or two from Bruno...

The fashion more-or-less followed the Klonopin-induced proceedings.  No one blew my pants off with an overall fantastic look.  Are the ladies being lazy or are they saving up the goodz for the Oscars?  A bunch of the gals looked like they just grabbed a bedsheet and tied it on before leaving the house in the sea of drab, unflattering, DRAB white dresses.  Zzzzz...  I mean, seriously, Selma Hayek even looked bland in her white Galliano!  WTF?!

Reese Witherspoon looked adorable in a yellow, strapless Nina Ricci (from Olivier Theyskens' first collection for the house!) .  What better way to tell Ryan Phillippe: "Fuck you!  You two-timing, talentless, man-whore!" than in a fab, little Theyskens?  Also wowwing in colour was Renee Zellweger in an emerald, strapless vintage Dior.  Now if she would just stop making faces like she's sucking on a lemon all the time...

Two other recent dumpees, Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz, should have taken notes from Reese on dressing-for-revenge.  Drew looked like she just got out of a lengthy session at Hollywood Tan with her awful "bronzed' glow and unbecoming, towel-like Dior Haute Couture dress.  Cameron looked like she just got out of clown college with all the face paint and her "almost-good-but-actually-quite-hideous" ruffly, white, one-shouldered Valentino gown.

Lovely in black and Chanel Haute Couture were Penelope Cruz and (I can't believe I'm writing this) Hilary Swank.  Cruz donned a Spanish-influenced gown while the Skankster rocked a pin-up girl look.

Angelina Jolie looked pretty good, in a smokey, strapless number - considering it was St. John.  I definitely could have done without her matching wrap.  Wraps are so mother-of-the-bride - oh, right!  She was wearing St. John, afterall!

Helen Mirren (in Donna Karan Couture) and Meryl Streep both looked nice and age-appropriate.  They both found a nice balance without looking dowdy or "mutton trying to be lamb-like."  Also Jennifer Hudson (in black Vera Wang) and America Ferrera (in purple Brian Reyes) looked cute in their choices which suited their... uhhh, shall we say "womanly(?)" curves. 

Kate Blanchett, who is usually a "go-to" glamour girl on the red carpet, was sort of disappointing last night.  Her hair could have used some styling and her Alexander McQueen dress probably would have been fiercer sans train.  Her shoes were also kind of annoying.

Other stinkers - Sienna Miller (what a surprise!) in her stupid-ass Heidi-do and awful, gold embellished, white Marchesa gown.  Speaking of stinkers, and Marchesa, that oversized hanky Jennifer Hopez wore was pretty lame, even with the peek-a-boo action she had going on under her left arm.  Gag!  Emily Blunt's vintage Herve Leger was dull and way too TIGHT.  You could see the entire outline of her arse and gut.  Yeah, no thanks! 

Heidi Klum looked like a wedding cake topper in her white Givenchy gown and matching elbow-length gloves (?!), though one of the evening's worst looks goes to Babel's Rinko Kikuchi (above) who looked like a whole fucking wedding cake herself in a frothy, pom-pommed-to-death Chanel dress.

Oh, wait! I almost forgot about Beyonce with her gold Elie Saab disaster, weird boobage, and bad weave.  And speaking of bad weaves, did you get a load of Vanessa Williams?  Shit!  PETA should attack her for the fur jacket AND that rat's nest she's got on her head!  Maybe they should rename her show Ugly Nessa...  For pics go to Style.com, Fab Sugar, and People.com.

CRIMES OF FASHION | VMAs

-Woah!  Somebody beat the red carpet at the MTV Video Music Awards with a big, mean ugly-stick last night!  There was no glamour (the only one who came close was, dare I say, Xtina Aguilera!), no sass, no edginess, no fun.  Seeing as there wasn't really a best dressed person in da house, let's go straight to the worst dressed. 

I totally agree with yeeeah.com's "Bad" list.  They were spot-on choosing Fugly, erm, I mean Fergie and J-Ho for the top of the list.  Fergie looks like A Clockwork Orange droog on crack!  While I like Jennifer Lopez's dress alright, that head wrap is a joke.  Who does she think she is, Little Edie Beale from Grey Gardens?  I guess bitch didn't have time to put her weave in.  Either that or she's not coloring her hair because she's preggers.  Ew.

I also agree with Pink's placement on the "Bad" list.  It kind of goes without saying.  That pitbull never looks good.  Cock sucker, Paris Hilton, should also have a permanent spot on the worst dressed lists.  It's sad with all her money, the skank still can't buy herself a decent outfit... or fix that lazy eye.

Nothing I say will do justice for Ice-T and his wife, Coco.  Looks like T picked wifey up after her shift along the Westside Highway and went straight to the awards show.

See more on the VMAs here, here, and here.

-And to end the week with an ooohhh and aaawww, check out Angeline Jolie's and Posh Beckham's adorable, wee tots.

2006 Academy Awards

The 78^th Academy Awards ceremony was not as painful as I anticipated last night, though the pre-show coverage was pretty awful.  None of the networks really seemed to focus on any of the actresses, and when they did interview them, they didn’t ask who they were wearing!  Don’t these fuckers know that’s the reason we suffer through all their bullshit?  What?  Do they honestly think we watch for Ryan Seacrest’s witty repartee with that Giuliana DePandi chick?  Anyway, I guess we should all just be relieved that clown, Isaac Mizrahi, didn’t molest anyone on the red carpet this time.  Click here for some pics.

Michelle Williams – Who would have thought this Dawson’s Creek alum would become such a hot, little, red carpet stunner?  She was by far my favorite in her burnt yellow Vera Wang dress with plunging, ruffled neckline and 1940’s-like hair and jewelry.  I love that she isn’t afraid to wear color to events and always looks great doing so.

Felicity Huffman – Wow, she cleans up nice, doesn’t she?  The tranny-playing actress looked great in a black Zac Posen with deep “v” décolletage and sheer, black under-netting.  Her hair and jewelry were clean and simple.

Salma Hayek – It’s hard for this woman to not look hot, and she was muy caliente in her turquoise, one-shoulder, pleated Versace.  Her hair was loose, flowing and very sexy.

Sandra Bullock – Miss Congeniality looked prize-worthy in a navy, strapless Angel Sanchez.  Her hair was swept up and her jewels were minimal.  Her favorite detail to her ensemble was the hip pockets on her dress.  Mine was her date - Keanu, dude!

Rachel Weisz – The baby-momma looked great in a black, Narciso Rodriguez empire waist dress that nicely accommodated her very pregnant belly.  Her hair was easily pulled back and she wore Chopard diamond drop earrings.

Meryl Streep – Meryl looked great in an age-appropriate, plum dress with a deep v-neckline and three-quarter sleeves.  This was such a better look for her than some of the frumpy, dowdy outfits she’s been seen in so often.

Jessica Alba – Looked great in the gold, Versace halter dress, but her hair was too stiff and matronly.

Kiera Knightley – Someone needs to tell this girl to have a good look at her body on the cover of the March Vanity Fair.  Hmmm, Kiera, do you notice that you’re missing something?  Something like, boobs!  Chesty LaRue you are not, and strapless dresses are not your friend.  Even though this dress has one shoulder strap, you still don’t have the boobage to fill it out properly.  And the fishtail is just so wrong.  Oh, and the bow in your ponytail is so Sunday school marm.  I did love the plum color of her Vera Wang dress and her 1960’s Bulgari necklace though.

Nicole Kidman – The usual champion of the red carpet sort of looked like a sad ghost of her glamorous past.  The ivory, embroidered, strapless Balenciaga column she wore was bland and her face is so tight and her hair so fried, she kind of looked like a burn victim.  Sorry, Nic.

Speaking of Nic, Nicole Jr., aka Naomi Watts, and Uma Thurman both chose nude colors that totally washed them out.  Naomi’s was a one shoulder Givenchy number with deconstructed detailing while Uma’s was a cap-sleeved Versace.  Both dresses may have been more flattering in different hues.

Charlize Theron – Charlize chose to wear Galliano again, but this time it was a forest green number with a ginormous bow on her left shoulder.  The green of her dress and the orange of her skin just wasn’t a good combination.  Her old lady hairdo didn’t help matters either.  Will someone send her orange ass to rehab for her bronzer habit already?!?!

Frances McDormand – Someone really should have told her that the ceremony was going to be televised before millions of people.  Then maybe she would have taken the time to pop in her contact lenses, do something with that long, stringy, hippie hair and put on something other than her husband’s old dinner jacket.  Oh, and maybe she even would have wiped that dour expression off her face too.

Helena Bonham Carter – The ABSOLUTE worst dressed of the night.  The blue 80’s prom dress and the cream colored shoes were pretty bad, but the big, crazy bouffant hair? I mean, I know Tim Burton ain’t no prize himself, but why did he give up the beautiful and stylish Lisa Marie for this trainwreck? 

GRAMMYS

The thing you know for sure before even watching the Grammys is that there’s going to be a shitload of tacky-ass outfits parading down the red (or green) carpet.

Thankfully, Alicia Keyes brought some glamour to the proceedings in her black, beaded Armani Prive halter gown.  Fiona Apple also looked nice in a neutral-colored frilly dress.

Reportedly, Madonna stole the show’s opening slot away from Mariah and performed in a ridiculous, Ringling Bros-like leotard and corset by Dolce & Gabbana.   Esther, you’re like 50.  Stop wearing Lourdes’ dance costumes out in public!  Sadly, what she changed into after her performance wasn’t much of an improvement - Sadonna.

From the waist up, Kelly Clarkson actually looked pretty in her Max Azria Atelier black, sleeveless dress.  From the waist down, she looked like a Chia pet.

Britney looked confused as usual.  Joss Stone looks as if she were stoned when she chose this.  Teri Hatcher looked plain desperate in her sheer Jean Paul Gaultier.  Gwen Stefani looked like she was attending a formal in Bedrock.

For the men, white seemed to be the color of choice for the evening.  Chris Martin, being such the non-conformist, chose black and sported some facial hair and a fro and seemed to be working a disheveled, homeless look.  Kanye looked like a bad pimp in his YSL outfits complete with gloves (?!).  He should have just stayed in the marching band uniform he wore during his performance.

And it just wouldn’t be the Grammys if there weren’t some cheap-looking, hooker-ish girls mingling among the crowds.  Kimberly Stewart and Donni Rai (right, whoever she is) didn’t disappoint.  See here and here for more pics.

MISSHAPES V HEATHERETTE | Daytime Nightlife

In 1990, daytime television had Donahue, Geraldo, Joan Rivers, and a pre-world domination Oprah. These programs didn't have book clubs or any redeeming social value. They had lots of fucked up people doing fucked up things. In other words, it was the perfect forum for Michael Alig, James St James, Jennytalia, Richie Rich and the Club Kid scene.

Seeing as Richie Rich and his Heatherette bitches already did the daytime television scene back in 1990 (God, how old is Richie?), don't you think that the Misshapes crew should start appearing on today's daytime talk shows like Maury, Ricki Lake, Sally, or Jenny Jones?

I'm not talking about having Greg, Leigh, or Geo sit down on The View or Ellen, I'm talking a full on insane talk show experience. How fab would that be........

WATCH: The Club Kids on The Joan Rivers Show, circa 1990

SAG AWARDS

Who the hell watches the Screen Actors Guild Awards? Seriously. If you want to check out who's wearing what at the SAGs, well, that's why we've got the internets.

My favorite of the ladies was Michelle Williams in her white Proenza Schouler dress. Not many woman at the show successfully got away with wearing white formally, but Michelle pulled it off very well.

Best Actress of the evening, Reese Witherspoon, also looked lovely in a black and white Yves Saint Laurent dress. Hmm, wonder why she didn't wear Chanel again.

Also looking nice was Mary-Louise Parker in a sheer white dress with a dark floral print by J. Mendel and Charlize Theron in simple, black Armani Couture. Would someone finally stage an intervention with Charlize and throw out her endless supply of bronzer? She's lightened up a bit on the bottle tan, but she still looks orange.

I never thought I'd say this about Miss Congeniality, but Sandra Bullock had on a sweet sleeveless peach number with a bubble skirt, though I couldn't find a designer credit for it. The internets have failed me!

On the other end of the spectrum, Rachel Griffiths' dress should seriously be buried six feet under.

Nicolette Sheridan looked like the damn mermaid on the side of the tuna fish can in an iridescent sea foam green Kevan Hall.

I know she's pregnant, but Rachel Weisz wore a Rochas dress that was very blue and very blech!

Ellen Pompeo (who is she?) wore a wine color, sleeveless Dior dress that looked like it was about to slide off her. Also, it looked like she had a boob job that started right under her collar bone.

That little, Mexican bikecop-hating, camera hog, Eva Longoria looked like Little Bo Fucking Peep in a lilac, frilly Badgley Mischka and Shirley Temple-like hair. She should have left the weave in.

And last but certainly not the least heinous, Sandra Oh in a black and white, slinky, sleeveless Versace. Hey, Sandra, I think your dress is a little low. Pull it up just a little higher. Over your shoulders, and a little more... over your chin, more... over your eyes and cover up your entire mug. Perfect!

See more pics from the SAGs here.

GOLDEN GLOBES | Fashion Round Up

What a complete snoozefest the Golden Globes were last night.  I needed to take a couple of Adderal to stay focused!  The winners were all predictable and so were the dresses.  None of the ladies took any chances or dared to wear anything risky or exciting.  Here’s a list of the safe and boring Best Dresses:

Natalie Portman – Cute, with her hair grown back into a short crop.  She wore a black, strapless, lacy, vintage Chanel Haute Couture knee-length dress.  She looked very Audrey Hepburn meets Sinead O’Connor.

Michelle Williams – Wore a purple and black, tiered Givenchy gown.  Baby-Daddy Heath Ledger wore a matching purple boutonniere.  Aw, they looked like they were going to the prom on Dawsons Creek.

Kate Beckinsale – Donned a white, lacey Dior dress that almost made her look like she was walking down the aisle instead of the red carpet.

Charlize Theron – In a sheer, black mini Dior Haute Couture dress, she would have looked better if she’d combed her hair and had her hot boyfriend, Stuart Townsend, with her.

Renee Zellweger – As always, wore Carolina Herrera.  This time a black, halter number with a slit that went straight up to her cooch.  Take that Kenny Chesney, you big, fucking fraud!!!

And now for the Worst Dresses and Moments:

Sandra Oh – Her Collette Dinnigan was okay, but I was disappointed that she didn’t put a bag over that Mrs. Potatohead face of hers.

Melanie Griffith – Enough said.  She’s Melanie “silicone” Griffith!  How the hell did she land Antonio Banderas?

Emma Thompson – Wore a plunging Roberto Cavalli dress and a wrap made of what looked like wet, dead kittens. 

Ziyi Zhang – Looked like a huge pile of radioactive vomit in her Giorgio Armani.

Anne Hathaway – The Marc Jacobs dress she wore didn’t suit her, and to make matters worse, someone decided to put bright, red lipstick on her already huge, fucking mouth.  The effect made her teeth appear even horsier and her lips look like Wacky Lips.

Mariah Carey – Though she was wearing Chanel Haute Couture, it looked like Karl just went to Lane Giant and pulled this dress off the sales rack for Mimi.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Looked nice in her Balenciaga shoes and maternity dress, but when asked who she was wearing, she butchered designer Nicolas Ghesquiere’s last name.  That defeats the whole purpose of you getting a free dress, you dumb bitch!  Get the designer's name right!  Start eating meat again, honey.  You’re obviously losing some valuable brain cells!

Isaac Mizrahi – He covered the red carpet for E! and horrified many of the actresses he interviewed.  He asked Teri Hatcher what kind of underwear she was wearing (none), groped Scarlett Hohansson’s massive teet, and asked Eva Longoria what her body hair was like “down there”.  (Her bush is au natural for those of you interested.)  I bet E! is missing them some Kathy Griffin now!

Eva Pigford's 21st Birthday | Lotus

Stop the motherfucking presses!!! America's Next Top Model winner, Eva Pigford, is turing 21!

She's like totally inviting you out to celebrate the end of her fifteen minutes of fame and her birthday at Lotus. I wonder if Tyra will be in the house.........