Whores

EXTRA! | MARY-KATE EATS!

Well, what do you know?!  Mary-Kate Olsen is not anorexic afterall!  As all you naysayers can see in the pic to the right, MK is enjoying the hearty leg of a stripper.  Ciggies, Starbucks and skank = a complete, balanced diet!  See more here.

On a more disturbing level, seeing MK gnaw away at that calf reminds me of the evil, little voodoo doll that chased Karen Black around in the classic, camp horror flick, Trilogy of Terror.  Am I wrong?  See for yourself here.  Just slap some oversize sunglasses, sky-high, wedge ankle boots and a Balenciaga bag on that evil fucker and - voila! - you've got the Olsen triplets!

STAY OFF THE SMACK! | C LOVE'S RESOLUTIONS

-Is it me, or is Courtney Love (right) morphing into Cameron Diaz?  Trust me, that's not a good thing!  Anyway Love has blogged her list of resolutions for 2007, and it's a very, very long list.  Then again, she does have a lot to work on!

Among her rambling, grammatically Lohan-like list:  become a woman of limitless self esteem; have a happy, satisfied child and family; attract only positive people to my home and life; learn about money; don't go to nightclubs with 19 year olds; do not allow myself to be a doormat in relationships ever again (She wrote this one twice, the second time in ALL CAPS, so you know she means it!  Though I have a hard time believing Court is a doormat EVER!)...  All very decent and admirable goals, indeed! 

However, as for her promise of "No more surgery for any reason other than medical,"  uh, it's a little too late for that one, Miss World!  And "Get house in UK and loft in NY or apartment in Central Park West," I think I speak for all Londoners and New Yorkers when I say, "Please, NO!  Oh God, please don't move to our cities!!!"  See full list here.

MY IMAGE! | CELEBS STEAL LOOKS

-First Ashley Olsen dyed her flaxen locks an ashy, ca-ca brown, now sis Mary Kate has gone platinum (right)!  Methinks MK may be pulling a Sienna Miller in thinking that she is Edie Sedwig incarnate. First she prances about in black tights with no pants, now she seems to be going for her hair.  Sadly, neither MK nor Sienna will ever be as charismatic, cute or cutting-edge as Edie. I guess I should give lil Michelle Tanner some props though - she does have the chain smoking, eating disorder and amphetamine habit down pat - just like Edie!  See here.

-Selma Blair once again tries too hard...  This time she thinks she's a MisShape! See here.

-Yo no quiero Taco Bell!  And it ain't because of the E Coli.  It's because of this nauseating shot of Courtney Love's lady-taco.  Though she's old enough to be their mom, Courtney pulls a Paris, Britney and Lindsay and does a twat-flash.  See here if you dare.

KIMORA LEE SIMMONS | SHARES HER FABULOSITY

-Kimora Lee Simmons went make-up shopping/slumming with the NY Post in Macy's Herald Square to promote her new beauty line, KLS.  Writer Raakhee Mirchandani makes Simmons out to be some kind of tear-inducing, awe-inspiring, earth shaking goddess as opposed to the cringe-worthy, tacky cwazee she really is. 

"'I love you, Kimora', says a middle-age African woman, wiping away tears as she spots Simmons shopping with The Post at Macy's."

"'Oh, hi. Thank you. I love you, too', answers Simmons, flipping her shiny black hair and making a beeline for the YSL beauty counter."

"'I love you', the woman says again, breathlessly, as tears continue to stream down her face."  (Hmmm, you think maybe this "middle-age African woman" was an actress paid by Simmons the "mogul"?)

The comedy routine continues with - "'I want to go to Africa', Simmons tells her. 'My husband is going to Africa. And I'm going to come visit your people so that we can talk about fabulosity. You're beautiful! You're fabulous!'"

Oh for god's sake, NO!  Don't the people in Africa live hard enough lives as it is already (especially with twat-holes like Gwynnie slapping on some face paint and claiming "I am African" in ads and Madonna stealing their babies)?  They don't need Kimora's whack ass going down there making things worse with all her fabulosity!

The article lists some of Simmons' favorite beauty products - one being Philosophy's Empowermint shower gel/bubble bath/shampoo.  "'It's got such a wonderful message written on the bottle. So, every morning, if you get up and read that beautiful message that's written on that damn bottle, you have no choice but to have a f-----g nice day', she says."  She later goes on to add, "'I'm really into Memoirs of a Geisha, and you see how the women were so delicate? It's all about being delicate, ladies.'"  Yeaaah... bitch really ought to practice what she preaches!  Read story here.

NEWSFLASH! | LOHAN A MESS!

-Poor Lindsay Lohan.  She's been having a rough past couple of months.  Could it be possible that all the fingerless gloves, bracelets, and Ace bandages that have been covering her wrists were actually hiding the evidence of her (newish) nasty habit of cutting herself - and weren't just poor accessory choices?   Read more here.

-I seriously hope the starlet didn't slice herself up because there wasn't a VIP section at a Donna Karan hosted event.  Read here.

-Perhaps Lindz is holding on to the missing diamond bracelet Cartier lent her to cover up her self-inflicted scars...  Story here.

-And buck up, Firecrotch... at least Miu Miu still loves ya - when nobody else will have you tarnishing their brand.  Article here.

CRIMES OF FASHION

-Sheryl Crow hops on the orange skin bandwagon - rather half-assedly (right).  See PITNB (scroll down).

-Ugh!  Matching pink Uggs to be exact.  Pamela Anderson and Denise Richards unite to film a direct-to-DVD flop together.  See here.

-Penelope Cruz really ought to keep the gays around - at least for their fashion advice!  She looks like Brandon fucking Flowers!  See here.

-Mischa Barton is in desperate need of spot remover.  Hopefully an NRA freak mistakes her for a real leopard and shoots her in her tasteless, spotted arse.  See here.

-Hobos should protest when people say Mary-Kate Olsen dresses like them.  Hobos at least wear pants... and would probably wash their hair given the opportunity.  See here.

LINDSAY LOHAN DON'T READ SO GOOD

-In her aptly titled memoir, Dirty Blonde, Courtney Love claims she sent Lindsay Lohan an email after La Lohan's Vanity Fair fiasco.  In response, Lohan emailed back thanking Love for "taking the time to be so curteous [sic] in my situation and these sickofans [sic] that invest in our lives that we work hard for and aspire to have. … Also, my mommy says hello."  Whaaa?  What fucking language is that?  Bitch sounds like she needs to wear a helmet indoors!  Story here (scroll down).   

-In the current issue of InStyle, Hohan's stylist and dealer, Rachel Zoe says of the tartlet, "When Linds and I were walking down Avenue Montaigne in Paris last year, we were like, 'Oh my God, the girls all look like her,' " because the Parisiennes were wearing her "signature leggings, knit tunics, skinny jeans and flats."  Yeah, because Hohan invented that look and Jebus knows, nobody else in the world dresses like that!  Fucktards!  See InStyle spread at Popsugar.

CRIMES OF FASHION

-Surprise! Surprise!  Paris Hilton put some skank-ass weaves back on her head.  She probably thinks the dumb-ass, trucker cap, white sunglasses and matching boots will distract from her straw-like hair.  Poor Tinkerbelle can't even stand to look at her.  See here.

-Liz "I only fuck billionaires these days" Hurley was at Harrod's signing copies of Estee Lauder's Pink Ribbon Diary to benefit the Breast Cancer Research Foundation.  You'd think with all her sugar-daddy's cash she could have gotten a better frock than the nude number with the bedazzled crap on her shoulder and disaster hemline.  It looks like her blind, 90-year-old auntie made it for her!  She probably thinks her old trick of showing her old cleavage will distract from the mess of a dress.  See here.

-Victoria Beckham was in Japan promoting her handbag line wearing a white Jessica McKlintock-looking prom dress.  WTF, is she 16?  Adding to the mallrat look, Posh sported a butterfly pendant and matching ring.  Didn't Crazy Mariah kill the whole butterfly thing like five years ago?  The phoney, forced smile makes her look like Skeletor even more!  See here.

-Billionaire arthouse publisher, Louise MacBain, has been in London celebrating/honoring herself for a new art foundation she's started.  The Observer printed two old photos of the mogul - the first is a family Christmas card from her former marriage (above), and the second is of MacBain with Richard Gere apparently during her Michael Jackson Smooth Criminal phase.  See here.

SIENNA MILLER IS A "FUCKING ANIMAL"

Yawn!  Sienna Miller, the face of Pepe Jeans, hosted a party in London the other night to celebrate the brand's new ad campaign.  Since nothing Miller does is ever original, the photos for the campaign rip off scenes from Michelangelo Antonioni's 1966 film, Blow Up.  Fellow partyers included designers Christopher Bailey, Matthew Williamson, Roland Mouret, model/actor Jamie Dornan, stylist Bay Garnett, former Friend David Schwimmer (wtf?!?!) and of course, nanny fucker, Jude Law.  Read more here.

Sienna sure knows how to convince herself that all is just rosy.  She is so over that whole nannygate affair, because you know, monogamy is like so "overrated" and "let's face it, we're all fucking animals."  In fact, it's a good thing Jude went and poked former nanny, Daisy Wright, with his wee willy because it opened up her eyes to the fact that she didn't want to settle down and marry him anyway!  Mmm-hmm, keep telling yourself that, girly.  Story here.

And apparently Miller is just too glamorous for Pittsburgh.  In an interview for Rolling Stone, Miller refers to the city, where she is on location filming The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, as "shit-sburgh".  That's okay though, because in return residents of Pittsburgh can just call Miller what she is - a stupid, fucking cunt!  Read here.

CRIMES OF FASHION

-What a shock!  Paris Hilton is trashed and flashes her skank ass yet again.  Actually, the real shocker here is that the bitch wears panties!  Even if they were by Pink, that crap Victoria's Secret line that Ashley Simpson schills, I'd just be glad she's got that petri dish snatch of hers covered up.  See here.

-Mischa Barton's t-shirt says "Drop Knowledge Not Bombs."  Wow, man, that's real deep... Unfortunately we're not talking about fashion knowledge here.  Why the hell is Coop wearing Mickey Mouse's shorts as a skirt?  And is she competing with La Lohan with that bandaged up left wrist?  Desperate for attention, Mischa, now that you're unemployed and nobody cares?  Pictures here.

-It seems so unfair to me that THIS is what gets to go to bed with David Beckham every night.  It just doesn't seem right.

-And Sienna Miller is still a disaster.  Bitch gotz to shampoo that stringy ass hair!