Whores

OSCARS | SNOOZEFEST

I'm still coming out of the coma the Oscars put me into last night. BORING! Anyway, here's a quick recap.

The big red-carpet queen of the evening (aside from Andre Leon Tally) was Reese "fuck you Ryan!" Witherspoon. Little Miss Freeway has grown up to be a fierce, Nina Ricci-rocking hot momma! She and Olivier Theyskens make for a good tag team. Also looking great was Cate Blanchett in silver metallic Armani Prive and Nicole Kidman in a scarlet, ginormo-bowed Balenciaga - but seriously, these two statuesque aussies rarely look bad on the red-carpet. Penelope Cruz also looked muy bonita in peach Versace.

Some middle-of-the-roaders for me included Jennifer Hudson, in Oscar de la Renta, who would have looked fine if she lost that ridiculous, ill-fitting, metallic shrug; Jessica Biel also in Oscar - I loved the different, raspberry color, but am not sold that it was the best cut for a girl with such serious guns; Kate Winslet in an underwhelming, mint green Valentino; and Kirsten Dunst in a sparkly, feathery Chanel Couture. I know little snaggle-tooth is getting some serious shit for wearing this number, but for some reason, I can't decide whether I like it or not...

The big duds of the night included Beyonce, in a pale green Armani Prive (at least she wasn't wearing one of mom's rags!); J-Lo in tacky, grecian Marchesa; Anne Hathaway in Valentino and a bow that should have been wrapped tightly, noose-like, around her neck; and an orange Cameron Diaz in a Valentino bedsheet. The absolute, biggest bomb of the evening however was Naomi Watts in a frumpy, frumpy, unflattering yellow Escada. It was pathetic seeing her stand next to Nicole Kidman, gazing at her Single White Female-lovingly, while Lisa Ling (in a horrible Joyce Leslie-looking piece of crap) interviewed them. And don't tell me it's because she's got Liev Shrieber's bun baking in her lady-oven. If your bff with Nicole Kidman, and know you are going to be walking down the red-carpet with her, you better make a fucking effort!

And as a footnote, I am sooo grateful that Milena Canonero deservingly nabbed the award for Best Costumes for Marie Antoinette and beat out nutso, tacky crack-head, Patricia Field! See pics at Style.com.

MILAN | MIU-CHI-CHI-CHIA

-The Milan shows are rolling along and raising a few eyebrows.  The Prada show, which is usually reliable for crowd-pleasing and trend-spotting, offered up some great items alongside some unusual pieces that only die-hard fashion victims will be clamoring over.  The traditional coats and jackets, the coats/capes with long side-slits for arms, the two-tone socks/leg warmers, the wooly cardigans, the rough, stiff leathers, the shift dresses, the striped knit-caps - all great!  The plasticky fringed numbers and the fuzzy, mossy, Chia Pet-like coats (pictured), sweaters and skirts made of synthetic Muppet-like fur were not.  In an interview with The Telegraph's Hilary Alexander, Miuccia claims, "I became fed up with everything, bored with the way we look at fashion. I wanted to go back to my roots, when I was experimental."  She said she'd spent months searching for treatments to make fabrics look "fake and cheap."  Yeah, for four-digit price tags, I doubt shoppers will appreciate the "fake and cheap" aesthetic.  See collection here and read article here.

-Raf Simon's impressive Jil Sander show featured his usual perfectly tailored suits, coats, and professional wear as well as cocoon-like capes (are women of the future -Fall 2007- going to shed their arms?!) and terrific, slinky dresses.  The sleeveless, silver dress with pleated skirt is GORGE!  Click here.

-Gucci's Frida Giannini presented a beautiful, feminine, forties-ish collection reminiscent of Katherine Hepburn and Joan Crawford.  The full-length dresses she showed at the end were beautiful and elegant and flashed just the right amount of Gucci sexiness.  See here.

-Marni's ne'er-do-wrong Consuelo Castiglioni showed a collection of her usual artsy, quirky, casual cool looks with new elements of PVC and nylon.  Fortunately she showed some arm-warmers - perfect to wear with all the arm-less coats on offer next fall!  Too much going on - but in a very good way!    This collection, as always, showcased Castiglioni's fabulous, effortless chic.  Who wouldn't want to be a Marni girl?  See collection here.

MILAN | DO IT TO ME DAILY, CHRISTOPHER BAILEY!

-Christopher Bailey does it again!  His Fall 2007 Burberry Prorsum collection (right) showed an edgy, goth, warrior princess donned in long, leather gloves; thick, corset belts; high, pointy lace-up shoes or thigh-high, patent boots; zippy but not-too-sporty anoraks; and dark, incarnations of the classic trench.  The color palette was primarily black and grey.  The silhouettes were slim and the hemlines were high.

A strong, tough, beautiful and elegant collection.  As Bailey described it to Style.com's Sarah Mower, "It's the same Burberry girl.  She's just rocking a bit more."  She most definitely is!  See here.

-Closing off Fashion Week in London last Friday was the Marc by Marc Jacobs show and party for his new shop.  The collection was classic Marc, loaded with lots of cute, youngish dresses and coats worn with grey, ribbed tights and lots of layers.  I particularly like the loose, grey, high-waisted pants cut mid-calf.  I particulary didn't like Selma Blair's newly shorn, platinum head conveniently poking into every shot.  I wish she'd stop her desperate trips to the hair-dresser for attention.  Maybe she'll finally stop now since Britney totally out-did her by completely shaving her crazy-ass head bald.  Now that's desperate!  Click here for pics of the Marc show and here for pics of the party.

LONDON FASHION WEEK | GILES! CHRISTOPHER! GARETH!

London Fashion Week blew by quickly, di'nnit, luvs?  Aside from visitor Marc Jacobs' undoubtedly exciting Marc show that closes the week, other highlights and hot tickets were the British Design trifecta of Christopher Kane, Giles (Deacon), and Gareth Pugh.  These boys are the new guard and are finally putting London back on the fashion map!

-Christopher Kane's second collection proved that this young designer is not just a flash in the pan.  The boy ROCKS!  He showed 39 looks in intricately folded and pleated leather and velvets.  The shapes and designs of his many minidresses were daring and fun.  All the coolest PYTs will no doubt be sporting his frocks to all the big soirees.  According to Style.com's Sarah Mower, twenty-two of the super-short and super-skinny neon dresses from his first collection flew out of Browns in two days!  Kane is like a hard, stingy bitch-slap in the face of fashion.  See his collection here.

-Giles' show offered up some sexy, slinky dresses (in mini and maxi versions), as usual, but the real standouts here were his CHUNKY knits (pictured, practically smothering the lovely Agyness!).  Holy crap!  It must have taken some 100-size knitting needles to whip up these numbers!  I also love how you can see Camille Bidault-Waddington, Jefferson Hack and Anna Piaggi in the front row carefully inspecting each piece as it passes on the catwalk.  Click here.

-Painfully assymetrical, Cruella de Ville-like hairstyles aside, the first four of Gareth Pugh's looks were actually quite sleek and wearable.  The remainders reflected his over-the-top, costumey, outrageous ways - but that's what makes him so damn exciting and his show one of the must-sees of the week.  See here.

LILY LOVES | LILY ALLEN, DRESS DESIGNER

According to WWD, Lily Allen has signed up with UK high street shop New Look to design a capsule collection called Lily Loves.  Sarah Walter, the company's head of fashion communications calls Miss Allen "an absolute dress-aholic." 

This is very cool seeing as Lily does have cute style and especially since H&M and Forever 21 have been churning out Lily-like dresses for months now.  The girl should get some credit!  So be prepared for an invasion of flirty, girly, party frocks this summer!  I can't wait!  More here.

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER | NOTES ON NEW YORK

TYPEPAD IS A BALL-BUSTING, FUCKING BITCH!!!

I just typed out an exhaustive wrap-up of the New York shows, only to have my entire post lost forever by my evil, soul-crushing host!  After stuffing my face with some Valentine's chocolates, I now feel semi up to half-assedly paraphrasing what I'd written earlier.  Sorry, suckas!

-Once upon a time, there were two big, furry bears from a land called Brooklyn who created the fiercest dresses for New York Fashion Week.  Costello Tagliapietra's beautifully draped jersey dresses (right) were among the best of the "week." 

-Fresh from the success of their frenzy-inducing collection for Target, the Proenza Schouler boys proved they are un-fucking-stoppable!  Despite being busy with their side project, the pair somehow managed to put together a sophisticated, kick-ass Weimar/flapper-ish line!  Another one of the best shows of the week!

-Not-so-fresh from her collection for Target, Benhaz Sarafpour's dreary collection was pretty much meh.

-Myself's kooky Kai Kuhne's collection featured some great disco-y minidresses, but Kai being Kai, of course he threw in some weird ass shit too, ie: his periwinkle, cable knit jumpsuit and giant, albino vag wedding dress.  Seriously.  I'm not making this up!

-Kai's former partners and bff's, Ange, Adi and Gabi, now working under the name of Threeasfour, also showed some nice, sparkly party dresses.

-L'Wren Scott's small collection was understated and elegant, much like the former stylist (and girlfriend of Mick Jagger) herself.  The giant bow collars, high-collar coats and broadtail jackets worn with skinny pants and pointy shoes made bold statements while her super slim dresses are great staples for those with the bods and the bux.

-Isabel Toledo was recruited by Anne Klein for the unenviable task of updating the brand.  The cool and edgy designer did an admirable job.  It probably wasn't too diffficult for her to bitch-up the dowdy and matronly line.

-Fashion's current "it" girl, Erin Fetherston, is waaay too girly in a My Pretty Pony and unicorns sort of way.  She showed many unwearable pieces that were either too fairy-ish or cut in an unflattering short, bell-shape.  Steer clear if you are 11-years and over!

-Anna Sui's show featured some pretty, girly dresses, as usual, but her furniture influences were SO WRONG!  The heavy fabrics, rick-rack trims and curtain tassles just screamed crazy-cat-lady!

TWEEMO | ME-MO?

Apparently there's a new name out there for people like me that does not involve parts of the anatomy, bodily functions, or barnyard animals - but is just as embarrassing.  That word is, "tweemo."

According to newly resurrected Radar Magazine's piece, Meet the Tweemos, "tweemo" is a term created by amalgamating "twee" ("all that is precious and innocent") and "emo" ("the lovelorn brand of angst available at a mall near you") giving birth to an annoying hybrid of tea-sipping, NPR-listening, bookish hipsters. 

Embarrassingly, I giggled while reading the article, recognizing many of the tweemo traits listed.  Then gasping, I came upon the horrible realization that I, MYSELF, am a tweemo and a spot-on target for the article's mockery! 

They had me pegged from the fashion choices (ballet flats, t-strap mary janes, polkadot dress, high-waters, Fred Perry, Duncan Quinn accessories, Paul Smith specs), the music (The Smiths, Belle & Sebastian, Nico), the books (Franny and Zooey, The Little Prince, Tintin, McSweeney's), the movies (Wes Anderson - though mercifully, I am not a fan of Whit Stillman nor Noah Baumbach who are also mentioned)... down to the damn haircut and beret!  I just wanted to punch myself in the face - but that wouldn't have been very tweemo of me, would it?

Check out the new issue of Radar or click on the jpegs at the right to see if you are a tweemo twat too. 

I'LL TUMBLE FOR YA | A TRIP, A SPILL, AND A DEATH

-Oh, no!  Our lady of hotness, Irina Lazareanu, tripped at the Peter Som show yesterday (right).   Fortunately, Lovely Laz escaped unscathed.  I bet she could even make tripping look cool...  Read about her trip here.

-The Daily reporter, Valentine Rei, fell off the Y-3 runway last night and broke his arm in three places.  Ouch!  That's whatchu get when a non-professional tries to vogue or strut on the runway... the catwalk is NOT a playground, kids!  Story here.

-And I am personally a bit shocked that I was initially shocked by this:  professional train-wreck and Trimspa spokesperson, Anna Nicole Smith, was found unconscious in a Florida hotel room... This time she was dead.  Story here.

MARC JACOBS FALL 2007 | START FASTING NOW!

Sorry, pets.  Fashion Week is in full swing and I haven't posted a thing!  What with the Arctic temps freezing my balls off along with other personal, technical difficulties beyond my control, this whore has been in an absolute tizzy!

Anyway, I figured I should at least post my two-cents on the one New York show anybody really cares about - that is Marc Jacobs, of course.  Held Monday night at the Armory, Jacobs sent out 56 models in very skinny-silhouetted, lady-like looks including slim sweaters paired with slightly A-lined skirts, fitted jackets, and narrow coats and dresses in deep shades of blue, burgundy, red and shimmery black and grey.  Jacobs seemed to put more emphasis on accessories this time around, featuring two-toned, wide-brimmed hats, long and short leather gloves, thin clutches and short-handled handbags, chunky bakelite bangles, and a wide variety of belts.  The collection was entirely different from his usual layered, flouncy, grungy looks.  The only hint of grunge displayed on the catwalk was the blue, Manic Panic'd hair on models Zosia and Katia. 

Though it was a departure from his usual style, the collection was still great.  It sort of reminded me of Prada's infamous Spring 2007 show with all the satiny, jewel-tone tops and turbans, but instead of turbans, Jacobs showed hats, and instead of sending out pantless models (and starting an insidious trend), Jacobs put bottoms on his!   See photos of the collection at Style.com and Fashion Week Daily.  Or, skip and go straight to the afterparty pics here - you know that's what you've been waiting for...

PROENZA SCHOULER | LINE FOR TARGET GOES INTERNATIONAL

From February 19th to March 5th, Proenza Schouler's Go International collection for Target will be on sale at Colette in Paris.  "Colette's niche collection will bring Target clothes outside the United States for the first time in the company's 45-year history."  Full story here.  This particular line seems to be getting much more press, marketing, and overall hoo-ha, compared to the previous Go International lines (Luella Bartley, Tara Jarmon, Paul & Joe, Benhaz Sarafpour). 

This past weekend, Soho's Opening Ceremony cleared out its usual, amazing inventory and exclusively sold the Proenza Schouler line.  I dropped by the shop Saturday morning, at 11:10, ten minutes after the store opened, to be greeted by a line of about 75 people waiting out in the freezing cold to get into the store!  The shop was so packed, there were doormen admitting shoppers in only after others had left (btw, the line outside was just as long when I left about an hour later).  I felt like an idiot standing out in twenty degree temps just to go shopping, but after a frigid, thirty minute wait, I got in and immediately got swept up in the excitement. 

The lines for the fitting rooms and check-out snaked all the way from the back of the store to the front.  Bitches were shoving and pushing everywhere.  Though I got in a mere 45 minutes after the store opened, there were only size L's and XL's left on the racks.  However, being patient, and having an eagle eye, I was able to nab a couple of size smalls that were rejected from the fitting rooms and coming back on to the sales floor. 

When I got upstairs to the loft area where the store typically sells Top Shop merch and Cheap Monday jeans, I found an empty clothing rack where I stopped and hung my things for reassessment and final decisions.  I shit you not, I had to shoo away at least four greedy bitches trying to grab my things - in a timespan of about five minutes!  When I took a second look at a small, grey hoodie with a reindeer emblem on its chest, I noticed the emblem was actually a Proenza Schouler logo.  Having never been a tacky logo-wearer, I decided against the top and put it back on the rack only to have it snatched up by some rabid twat in two seconds flat!  I think she may have been on my ass, salivating, and eagerly waiting to grab my castoffs.  Scary!

The Opening Ceremony staff were, as always, beautiful and friendly, in spite of the mad mobs tearing up their normally low-key store.  The check-out process was surprisingly pretty quick and very efficient.  Bravo to Opening Ceremony!

As for the Proenza Schouler collection itself, it's cute and springy, but it didn't exactly blow my mind.  Like I said, I just got caught up in all the excitement.  At the end of the ordeal, I ended up spending just under $100 on a grey, ultrasuede wristlet/clutch; a sheer, brown ruffly top; a floral, long-sleeve button-up; and a pair of black pedal-pushers.  The one item that I didn't get and am dying for is the cardigan pictured above.  One of the salesgals was wearing one and there was one, in a size large, on a mannequin, and it looked terrific on both!  I'm having my peeps in different cities track it down for me.  Oh, I'm also coveting the ebony, drawstring, jersey dress.  Please make it happen, oh mighty fashion gods!!!  Check out the collection here.

P.S.  Paco Rabanne designer, Patrick Robinson, is lined up for the next Go International collection...