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BRIGHAM YOUTH U. | POLICE LOG

I wouldn't have been an idea BYU candidate due to my love of above-the-knee skirtage, pre-marital gropage, and confusion to the exact tenets of Mormonism.

But while other schools are installing metal detectors and battling Charles Whitman like shooters, BYU, looks pretty quiet... eerily quiet...

From the BYUNewsNet

Aug. 25. A boy entered the creamery bathroom with two bags of peanut butter M&M's. An employee noticed the boy did not leave the bathroom with the peanut butter M&M's and attempted to apprehend the boy. He fled before he could be detained.

MORE

BRANDEIS UNIVERSITY | Welcome back, Masturbater!

Hello class. Welcome back.  How was your summer?  Oh mine?  Well, thank you for asking!  I spent the summer digging up an 18th century carriage house in New Hamp... Oh, you're not listening. Sigh.

Could we just settle down? Please put your cell phones away.  Now your BlackBerries.  What the hell do you need BlackBerries for, you're college sophomores.  Listen, you and your parents are paying good money for you to listen to my lecture on the architecture of canvas tents during the Great Awakening.

Oh fuck it. 

Here's a scintillating tale from my alma mater.  It's right up your alley, you dirty-minded slackers...

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For at least the third time since last fall, Waltham and Brandeis police have failed to catch a man allegedly seen masturbating by the tennis courts.

Michael Vulfovich '07, who plays for the men's varsity tennis team, said he saw a man two weeks ago sitting on the staircase behind the tennis courts masturbating. Vulfovich was preparing to give a tennis lesson to a young boy who is a friend of his family's.

"I was just like, 'that guy is definitely sitting there and jacking off,'" Vulfovich said, adding that luckily the boy hadn't arrived yet.

ENJOY!

U. of MONTANA | Police Log

This University of Montana police log is from earlier in the month but the extra-special commentary of Captain Jim Lemcke of the Office of Public Safety, makes it okay...

April 7, 5:51 p.m.

Three men reported that their pants and underwear were stolen fro m the locker room at the Grizzly Pool while they were swimming. Two of the men had wallets in the stolen pants.

“It’s pretty low to take a guy’s underwear,” Lemcke said.

The responding officer gave the men a ride home.

April 8, 11:35 p.m.

Public Safety received a report concerning suspicious activity in University Village.

The responding officer found two women, about 19 years old, swinging on the playground wearing nothing but panties.

“If we get this kind of call more often, it would really help our recruitment of new officers,” Lemcke said.

The women were encouraged to dress more conservatively, but will face no charges.

“It is, after all, not illegal to swing in just panties,” Lemcke said.

More log...

U. of MAINE | Exploding soda bottle at large

Paging Joe Friday...

The University of Maine Campus sez: The University of Maine Department of Public Safety is investigating a soda bottle explosion that occurred outside Knox Hall Sunday night.

According to Detective Chris Gardner, Public Safety received two calls notifying them of a loud explosion in the Hilltop area.

He said the first call came in around 10 p.m., notifying the department of a smoking bottle on the ground, but the officers who responded could not find evidence of an explosion.

Full Story

NORTHERN KENTUCKY UNIVERSITY | Professor of the Week

Just when you think there's nothing but bleak news regarding the pro-choice movement these days, here's a story to warm your heart. 

Sally Jacobson, you're Kollege Daily's Professor of the Week!

From the Cincinatti Enquirer: A professor at Northern Kentucky University said she invited students in one of her classes to destroy an anti-abortion display on campus Wednesday evening.

NKU police are investigating the incident, in which 400 crosses were removed from the ground near University Center and thrown in trash cans. The crosses, meant to represent a cemetery for aborted fetuses, had been temporarily erected last weekend by a student Right to Life group with permission from NKU officials.

Public universities cannot ban such displays because they are a type of symbolic speech that has been protected by the U.S. Supreme Court.

Witnesses reported "a group of females of various ages" committing the vandalism about 5:30 p.m., said Dave Tobertge, administrative sergeant with the campus police.

Sally Jacobsen, a longtime professor in NKU's literature and language department, said the display was dismantled by about nine students in one of her graduate-level classes.

"I did, outside of class during the break, invite students to express their freedom-of-speech rights to destroy the display if they wished to," Jacobsen said.

FULL STORY

Thanks to Donna, for alerting me to this one...

U. of GEORGIA | The only thing we have to fear is ninjas

When will the Man learn?  It's the pirates causing all the trouble, not the ninjas.

Oh, and here's the story about how the Department of Tobacco and Firearms ambushed a University of Georgia student engaged in a harmless game of pirate v. ninja.

A stealthy student snapped this photo of sophomore Jeremiah Ransom, getting flattened by the Feds.

Looks like this ninja might have a lawsuit...

DUKE UNIVERSITY | Lacrosse players fucked

For those strong of stomach, here's the email  (and other police evidence) from now disgraced Duke University lacrosse team member and alleged psycho rapist Ryan McFadyen, via The Smoking Gun.

Shockingly, asshole behavior from these guys was nothing new...

For those living under a rock, a bunch of white Duke lacrosse players hired some strippers and then allegedly brutally gang-raped one of them.

U. of MISSOURI - COLUMBIA | Police log

Saturday, Mar.18

Police are investigating the theft of a dental mouthpiece from Defoe Hall taken between 10:15 and 10:25 a.m. March 16. The mouthpiece was valued at $500.

More...

INDIANA UNIVERSITY | Horror of switching majors drives girl to life of crime

Meet felonious fox and Indiana University student, Margaret "Maggy" Baurley: Alleged bank robber.

According to local news: The 4-foot-11 Baurley handed to a teller a note demanding money, police said.

Baurley's roommate told investigators that he had seen piles of $50, $20, $10 and $5 bills on her bed, police said.

Baurley, who once was a journalism major, used to write a column for the newspaper. In one column, she said she was switching her major from journalism to anthropology.

It's time she knew.  Crime, anthropology and journalism just don't pay. 

U. of SOUTHERN MAINE | Police Log

Yup, here at the University of Southern Maine, you got your potheads, your parking boot theft, and rogue bands of loud, obnoxious hacky sackers.

It's hell being a university cop...